Married 3-5 years · Money · Together today
One of us left home in our first 5 years - and we're still together
We have been married for 3 to 5 years. Ours is a church marriage. We have two children together. We live in Nyanza.
Both spouses' sides
We keep fighting: how couples learned to talk again
Fighting is normal. Fighting the same fight for years wears a marriage down. Couples who changed how they argue tell you what changed.
What couples told us
How many named this challenge
44%
Based on 529 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · How we count
What helped most
Show the numbers
| Answer | People | % |
|---|---|---|
| Nothing helped | 56 | 24.1% |
| Pastor, imam or faith leader | 40 | 17.2% |
| My family | 39 | 16.8% |
| Friends | 30 | 12.9% |
| Professional counsellor | 16 | 6.9% |
| Mentor or older couple | 16 | 6.9% |
| Elders | 16 | 6.9% |
| My spouse's family | 11 | 4.7% |
| Online groups or social media | - | Hidden (fewer than 10) |
| A book, course or seminar | - | Hidden (fewer than 10) |
| No one | 0 | 0% |
| Other | 0 | 0% |
Based on 232 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · How we count
What did not help
Show the numbers
| Answer | People | % |
|---|---|---|
| Silent treatment | 118 | 50.9% |
| Friends or family taking sides | 89 | 38.4% |
| Involving too many people | 81 | 34.9% |
| Threatening divorce | 80 | 34.5% |
| Social media | 33 | 14.2% |
| Leaving home | 30 | 12.9% |
| Revenge | 28 | 12.1% |
| Other | 0 | 0% |
Based on 232 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · How we count
How they built through it
Married 11-20 years · We keep fighting · Together today
Job loss or business failure nearly ended our marriage in year 14. Here's how we built it back
We have been married for 11 to 20 years. Ours is a church marriage. We have two children together. We live in Coast.
Married 6-10 years · Money · Together today
Communication or constant fighting nearly ended our marriage in year 8. Here's how we built it back
We have been married for 6 to 10 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have one child together. We live in Nairobi.
Married 3-5 years · Money · Together today
We separated 2 times in our first 3 years - and we're still together
We have been married for 3 to 5 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have two children together. We live in Rift Valley.
Married 11-20 years · Money · Together today
We separated 3 times in our first 20 years - and we're still together
We have been married for 11 to 20 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have three or more children. We live in Coast.
Both spouses' sides
Married 21+ years · We keep fighting · Separated now
Communication or constant fighting in year 3 of our marriage: what we learned
We have been married for more than 20 years. Ours is a come-we-stay, later formalised marriage. We have three or more children. We live in Rift Valley.
Both spouses' sides
Fight fair on this
- 1Start with "I feel..." instead of "You always...". It is harder to fight a feeling than an accusation.
- 2Listen until you can repeat back what your spouse said, before you answer.
- 3Pick one problem per conversation. Old fights brought back as weapons never get solved.
If you are not safe
Being hit, threatened or controlled is not a rough patch - it is abuse, and it is never your fault. Help is free and confidential, for women and men.