When it is not okay: abuse is not conflict

Conflict or abuse?

Every couple argues. In conflict, both of you can speak, both of you can disagree, and neither of you is afraid of the other. Abuse is different. It is when one person uses fear, force or control to get their way.

These are signs of abuse, not conflict:

• Hitting, slapping, pushing, choking or any physical harm.
• Threats to hurt you, the children, your family or themselves.
• Controlling all the money, taking your income or leaving you with nothing.
• Checking or taking your phone, reading all your messages, tracking you.
• Deciding where you may go and who you may see.
• Forcing sex or any sexual act you do not want. Marriage does not change this.
• Cutting you off from your family and friends.
• Living in constant fear of how your spouse will react.

If any of these sound familiar, trust what you feel. You do not need bruises for it to count.

You are not to blame

Nothing you said or did makes violence or control your fault. Not the food, not the money, not a mistake you made. The person who chooses to hurt is responsible for that choice.

Abuse happens to women and to men. Men who are abused often stay silent out of shame. If this is you, you deserve help too, and the helplines are for you as well.

Safety comes before saving the marriage

We believe in marriage. That is why this site exists. But no marriage is worth your life or your children's safety. Getting safe first does not mean you have given up. It means you are protecting the people who matter most.

Basic safety planning

A safety plan is a few quiet steps that help you act fast if things get dangerous. You do not have to do them all. Start with what feels possible.

• A safe person: a friend, neighbour or relative you can call or go to at any hour.
• A code word: agree on a word with your safe person that means "I need help, call for me".
• Important documents: keep copies of your ID, the children's birth certificates and any title deeds or bank papers with someone you trust.
• Some money: put aside a little cash or M-Pesa somewhere your spouse cannot reach, even a small amount for fare.
• Know the helplines: save them under a name that will not draw attention, or learn them by heart.
• Plan for the children: teach older children how to call for help and where to go, and keep their things ready if you need to leave.
• Know the safest room: in an argument, stay away from the kitchen and rooms with no way out.

How to help a friend

If someone you love is being hurt, you may want to rush in. What helps most is often quieter.

• Listen without judging. Say "I believe you" and "This is not your fault".
• Do not push them to leave or to stay. They know their situation best, and leaving can be the most dangerous time.
• Offer to be their safe person, and keep what they tell you private.
• Share the helplines, and offer to sit with them while they call.
• Do not confront the abuser yourself. It can make things worse for your friend.
• If you believe someone is in immediate danger, call the police on 999 or 112.

Using this site safely

Where you see the Quick exit button at the top right, press it, or press the Esc key, to leave this site at once. It opens a neutral page and clears any survey answers saved on this phone.

Quick exit does not erase your whole browsing history. If someone checks your phone, a private or incognito tab is safer.

Get help now

These lines are free. You can call just to talk, even if you are not sure what you want to do yet. In immediate danger, call the police on 999 or 112.

To reach the people who run this site, use the form on our Contact page or email hello@upeo.ai. We are not an emergency service.